Dear Me...

At 22, I'm getting ready to enter the real world after college. But first I felt that there were a few things I'd like to set straight with my younger self before I headed out into the "real world."

Dear 15-year old Nick,

Congratulations on making the freshman basketball team, but I suggest quitting while you’re ahead. Your 27% free-throw mark won’t be something to tell the grandkids about.

Anyway, I’m just writing to tell you what to expect in the next seven years.

First order of business, just because your girlfriend bought you the Led Zeppelin Greatest Hits Vol. 1 CD for your birthday, doesn’t mean she won’t dump you soon. This would have been different if she had also bought you Vol. 2. You should have seen that one coming.

Secondly, throw out all of your denim shorts within the next four years. Soon they will no longer be considered cool. Well, not that they ever were. But now people are really offended by them. They call them j’orts.

Next up, try really hard to hide the fact that you work at McDonald’s. If that means telling people that the golden arches on your shirt are some sort of religious symbol, do it.
On a related note, when you are 18 you will be demoted from cashier to burger flipper because you threw a McMuffin wrapper at a mean customer. Advice: Do this on your first day, thereby saving yourself two years of embarrassment.

Okay, this one is huge. Trying to use the horrendous scar on your elbow as a way to impress the opposite sex may have worked in fifth grade when girls thought stuff like that was cool. Now it’s just gross. Stop soon.

Unless you want screws in your knee, do not go after the lazy fly ball in May of 2001. Let the centerfielder catch it even though he didn’t call you off.

In about a year from now, the Patriots will win the Super Bowl. Read that one a few more times and let it sink in. Unfortunately, however, your Drew Bledsoe autographed note card will prove to be worthless. Also, Peyton Manning WILL win a Super Bowl. This will disgust you, but with time you will recover.

Don’t worry, the boy-band craze is almost over. And you were right about Lance Bass.

You will get your own cell phone soon. So don’t spend your money on that rip off one from Wal-Mart that you buy minutes for.

During your junior year you will be driving to school with your windshield frosted up and the sun in your face. Don’t drive with your head out the window. It will seem cool until you end up in a snow bank half a mile from school.

Ah, and now the college years. These will be some good times, so not much to worry about here.

First of all, do not apply anywhere else. Springfield College was a great choice. They even give you a card that you can use to get pizza from Domino’s with.

A video game called “Guitar Hero” will sweep the nation while you are in school. It’s going to look so awesome. But I’m here to give it to you straight: This game is not for you. The good news is that you can still drum on a dashboard like nobody’s business.

I know that you’re upset that Fresh Prince ended while you were in middle school. Luckily, by the time you graduate college, Nick-at-Nite will play episodes of this show so many times that you will start calling lines before they happen. This will scare you.

When you meet your roommate, do not be afraid. He may be a muscular freak with skull earrings who listens to death metal, but he’s not a bad dude. He is also the reason you should never play Guitar Hero. He will destroy you at it. For fun, throw things at him from across the room. He cannot catch and they will hit him in the face.

Do not become a tour guide. You will fall backwards over a bench in front of 30 people.

A show better than Fresh Prince will come out. You will develop a severe obsession with it and will often annoy your friends by quoting it in everyday situations. It’s called The Office.

Bad news: You will live with a Dolphins fan for one year. Good news: That same year the Dolphins will win one game and the Patriots will go undefeated.

If you want to sled down Rally Hill at 3 a.m., be sure to set your alarm for 8 a.m. that same day in order to bring your friend to the hospital.

Do not eat the pizza at Cheney Hall. Do eat the pizza at the Beveridge Center.

Well I guess that’s all for now. Hurry up and finish that order of Big Macs like a champ.

Sincerely,

22-year old Nick

P.S. I just got a letter from 80-year old Nick. He’s doing well and says that the Hartford Patriots just won their 12th Super Bowl. The MVP was a quarterback named Brady Belichick. Doesn’t sound familiar? It will soon.